Anthony Cassens-Nanotext Final

He was as interesting as he was repulsive and as beautiful as he was disgusting. My first impression could have been described as magical, wondrous and even amazing. Magical in the sense that the introduction came as a huge surprise, wondrous much like a new born baby's gaze and amazing due to the unforgettable joy I felt. The day I met the dangerous side of myself was a day that continues to affect me.
Upon looking inward, which I have always done with great determination and conviction, I often run into a rather uncontrolled part of myself. This part of me, always fluctuating in size or intensity, draws my attention ferociously. Looking deep within reveals my wants, my needs and my habits which are all tools of the trade for my inner self, my friend. My friend and I are inseparable like two magnets who are reluctant but are attracted with no control over how things happen. The feeling of unrestricted "magnitraction" towards this strange and beautiful part of me is one that cannot be ignored. I feel this part of me pushing or pulling every minute of the day. I hear this part of me whispering in the dead of night, I see this part of me dancing across the page as I try to read or write. Like a friend who has his own key to my house, this part of me is hardly me at all but more another living thing that comes and goes as it pleases. He pops up with a loud bang when I am rolling out of bed, returns when I am in the shower, and even slithers in just before a morning cup of coffee. It seems as though he is always trying to run me into the ground and at the same time lift me up to the heavens, my friend is some what of an angry individual and hates to be ignored.
Over the years I have learned to live with this uncontrollable part of myself. We go on walks, listen to music, prepare and enjoy many fine foods, go shopping and basically do all of the things a loving couple would do. When I say loving I am really selling the relationship short because I cannot go on without mentioning the abusive side of things. This strange relationship has taken many years to come to the rallying point of a loving caring thing. Often times my day is filled with inner conflict and turmoil. The battles which have taken place rival those of Gettysburg and the Civil War. The severity of the resulting situation seems to have ripped the country down the middle.
Much like a war torn nation, I have been split in two on many separate occasions. During these battles I have lost many a good part of myself and even seen those who I love pay the ultimate price. The pain and anguish that comes with battle has not been pleasant. Inner conflict has led me to jail, to the bottle, into addiction and deep into despair. I have experienced what some would call the small death, that which I have come describe as defeat. This inner part of myself has beaten me into submission with words of hatred and I in turn have retaliated with words of hope. The urges deep within have created an empire, a fortress of unrest deep within, and I seem to be a guest in this hostile world. For so many years this empire and I have mistrusted on another and we can never seem to reach a peaceful accord. Things like addiction, love, hate and jealousy reigned supreme in this empire. Long nights of destruction to myself and others were easy to come by and far easier to enjoy. Lies and deception became the familiar choice for almost every situation. Ugly motives fueled a rage fest so large that I had no choice but to embrace the dance and push myself to the point of exhaustion. I could destroy, cheat and steal with the best of them. Making your day worse was making my day better. I'm still not sure how things got to be so "down the wrong path" and I'm not sure I ever will, yet in the end this was ultimately a losing battle and I was tired of paying the price.
Once I found myself in this losing battle I realized that I could no longer strive to conquer this empire. The rage fest and the dance of the inner demon must be moved or changed into a gentle waltz if I was to ever make it out alive. I learned that if I was to survive I would have to become one with the things that sought to destroy my way of life. I would have to learn to become friends with this inner demon and possibly introduce him to a better dance or a better way to rule his empire. Perhaps a few satisfying gifts or offerings to my friend could smooth things over. Upon making this decision things became a bit less intense and more simple. The battles became few and the victories became many. The inner battle still rages on to this day but seems to have become more of a peaceful argument rather than an all out slug fest.
These days I still wrestle with my inner self but not in the physical sense. The battle has moved from the home front to a place that is distant enough (far back in my mind) for me to ignore and yet still televised enough for me to watch with great interest. Pain and bad intent have given way to innocent deception, perhaps even compromise. When my friend rears his ugly head I am no longer left with feelings of hatred but rather feelings of apprehension. My friend no longer drives me deep into the abyss of despair but simply urges me to make a decision. These days things seem to be going well.
My favorite time and place that my friend and I spend together revolves around shopping or acquiring things. Instead of harmful chemicals, adrenaline filled dangerous actions or adulterous misgivings, I find myself simply wanting what makes me happy. Perhaps what makes me happy has changed or perhaps what makes what makes me happy has changed me. Either way my life has taken a turn for the better. My friend and I have come to the agreement that if we are to live together we must not destroy each other. We must focus on the positive and not the destructive. Food and the finner things in life have taken on a symbolic role in my every day interaction. When walking down the street I no longer seek out the horrible but seem to be drawn toward more of what is good for me.
My friend and I have compromised and agreed on some alternatives which he describes as things my mother would be proud of or would want me to do. I enjoy fresh fruits and vegetables, I indulge in a bloody piece of tender meat, I even love the tempting fizzle of sparkling water. My habits have shifted from the false joys of alcoholic destruction and drug addiction to the ever pleasant after effects of good exercise and good living. My needs have become more the needs of a man who seeks to preserve rather than destroy himself. To exercise and to grow in ways that can be deemed as positive are now more goals than dreams. The inner battle has changed my way of life. Walking the streets I now see the beauty of a freshly grown flower as a sign of strength rather than weakness. Thoughts of acquiring things which are practical and positive have become the intent and interest of my once horribly influential friend. When I hear him whisper in the middle of the night I no longer recoil in fear. Mornings have become much more than a quest for the end of the day and have turned into an exciting endeavor. Things can still get a bit out of hand but seem to never reach a boiling point. Gaining power through books and experience has taken precedence over power through hate and rage. My shopping habits are more of a focus for my inner self than any other. The beast seems to be easily appeased by these things that I offer. The idea of building rather than destroying or being able to give rather than take has taken over like a wave of treason sweeping the battle field. I no longer sit on the outside looking in but seem to mingle and enjoy my life. This strange and beautiful part of me is still very hard to ignore yet I feel closer and more comforted by the relationship. My friend is more of a friend than I could have ever imagined. With the help of some fine foods, good exercise and many wonderful offerings hope now looms over the situation. I am glad that we met and I regret nothing. My friend is a magical, wondrous and amazing creature. I will feed and love him to the best of my ability for he is my doppelganger, he is my double, he is me.